Coach’s Corner: Pay Attention!

Paying attention as another person speaks sometimes requires you to turn off distractions.

“Each of us literally chooses, by his way of attending to things, what sort of universe he shall appear to inhabit.”

— William James (1890)

Shortly after President Ronald Regan’s second term, I had the opportunity to hear him speak about issues of the day at a small gathering in Northern California.

After his talk, I approached him and said, “Thank you, Mr. President, for what you have done for our country and the world.” We shook hands, and I told him that I had two small children that would grow up in a safer world in large part because of him. I don’t remember much else about the conversation, but one thing stands out in my memory to this day: He made me feel like I was the only person in the room.

Robert Hicks

For that short period, I had his full and undivided attention. A friend of mine related a similar experience with President Bill Clinton. He said that when he talked to you, he made you feel special because of his ability to focus only on you and what you were saying. In both instances, the value of genuine attention was experienced.

Attention is validating. It lets the other person know that he or she is important. Arguably, the most valuable thing you can offer someone — from a helping standpoint — is your genuine attention because it signals that you are putting them first.

And yet, the familiar directive, “Pay attention!” tells us something about attention: There is a cost associated with it. We have to “pay” for our attention with something; but what?

To answer this question, first consider the fact that competing for our attention is the experiential world: the external world of sights and sounds and our internal world of thoughts and feelings.

The external world stimulates our senses and, in so doing, has the power to attract our attention quickly and effortlessly. Imagine driving around town in your car when, all of a sudden, you hear a honking horn. Without even trying, your attention shifts toward the sound regardless of where your attention was previously focused. The same is true for an attention-grabbing stimulus in our internal world.

For example, when we become upset our attention naturally flows to those thoughts and feelings that are being triggered by our experience. We do not have to consciously direct it there; there is no psychological cost when our attention is naturally drawn to our external or internal experience. The cost occurs when we must exert self-control over our attention. In other words, when we must do the opposite of what is natural and resist attention-grabbing stimuli so that our attention is focused on the situational demands at hand.

With self-control, you can intentionally shift your attention or maintain your focus, even though the experiential world may try to capture it. When coaching, there are often powerful experiential stimuli that you are compelled to counteract or resist to give the person you are helping your full attention.

Limit Your Distractions

Mental distractions that cause your attention to drift are often the culprit for a lack of focused attention in a helping conversation, for example, professional or personal matters that are pressing and tugging at your consciousness, or something the other person says that prompts your mind to wander.

Not to mention the fatigue of trying to coach someone after a long day when you are mentally worn out and your self-control is depleted, making it difficult to maintain focus. Whatever the reason, as soon as your attention shifts from the person you are coaching to something else you have impeded your ability to help.

Attention is mental energy focused in a specific direction. When you are fully engaged in a task, activity or conversation, your mental focus is on what you are doing; you are “in the zone.” Being in the zone is an everyday experience.

Think about a conversation you have had with someone where you were utterly fascinated by what he or she was saying.

Were you primarily focused on the dialogue, rather than the thoughts and words in your head?

Was your attention so absorbed by the conversation that your perception narrowed to the point where you were less aware of your surroundings and outside distractions?

Was it energizing rather than draining?

If your answers to these questions were “Yes,” then you were in the zone. Now, imagine how good the other person must have felt about receiving that level of genuine attention from you.

You cannot fake attention, and yet, some people try. They use their body language to pretend to focus on the other person while their mind is elsewhere. Have you ever watched a person fake listening by smiling and head-nodding when their attention is clearly elsewhere?

Pretending to show interest, while mentally doing other things, is drastically different from showing genuine interest. It has been said that one cannot truly listen to another person and do anything else at the same time.

There are always two conversations going on within any helping discussion. The one we have with the other person, and the one we have with ourselves. The conversation that we have with ourselves is called internal dialogue, also known as self-talk. When our self-talk dominates our attention, our mental energy is directed inward, thereby reducing our connection to the external world (i.e., the other person).

We become the object of our attention. Self-talk is natural. It is the amount and type of self-talk that determines whether it becomes an impediment to helping. The kind of self-talk that is most detrimental to a helping conversation is judgmental self-talk.

Once your self-talk is dominated by judgment, it takes you out of the zone. Your attention is hijacked, and you become your own worst distraction. Contrast that with what happens when you stay disciplined and put your energy into understanding the other person’s perspective, but without judgment. It allows you to hear better what the other person is saying and understand his situation or point of view.

When you find yourself distracted by judgmental self-talk during a coaching session, imagine putting those thoughts to the side and use your self-control to bring your attention back to your client. You may find yourself doing this a number of times during your conversation.

There is also another antidote to distraction: curiosity.

Curiosity Is Key

The curious mind is a focused and receptive mind. Many researchers believe curiosity may be the greatest asset a person can bring to the helping conversation. Being intensely curious automatically focuses attention because we are restricting awareness to our current experience with the other person. In other words, we are in the present moment, listening intently, and in so doing signaling our interest in the person we are helping.

Curiosity also means being open and accepting. The idea of being receptive and withholding judgment is certainly not a new one. It has long been known that it is essential that a helper withhold judgment about the client and what he or she is saying about his or her situation. The point here, then, is your curiosity, rather than judgment, is key to maintaining genuine attention.

Focused and genuine attention, an essential requirement for helping others, comes at a price. It requires that you “pay” for your attention with self-control so that you resist the commonplace distractions that divert your attention from the person you are attempting to help.

The payment includes the discipline to shut down judgmental self-talk that limits openness and acceptance and to replace it with curiosity. Although there are many skills and techniques that can be used to help others, none is more important than giving the other person your genuine attention. Sometimes, that is all that is needed.

Robert Hicks, PhD, is a licensed psychologist. He is clinical professor of organizational behavior and founding director of the executive coaching program at the University of Texas at Dallas. He also holds an appointment as faculty associate at UT Southwestern Medical Center.