How to Find, Define, and Use Your Values

What are your values?

As a career coach, when I ask my clients this question, I usually get one of two answers. They either say “I’ve never actually thought about that…” or “Oh, easy. These are my values.” After more conversations, the first group often realizes that they do have some ideas about their values, and the second group realizes that their values are mostly just a list of words without substance.

Both reactions are valid — it’s not easy to have clarity around your values. After all, the importance of identifying and using them isn’t emphasized in our society. Most of us aren’t taught how to do this type of self-reflection in school. You likely won’t be asked to identify your values for any job. And your employer will probably never base your annual performance reviews on how you use them.

That doesn’t mean finding, defining, and knowing how to use your values isn’t important. There is so much power in understanding what your values are — they can help you make decisions, guide your career, and even live a happier life. These steps can guide you in thinking about your values in an intentional way.

Step 1: Find your values.

Your values aren’t hiding. Even if you haven’t vocalized them, they’re a reflection of the most important aspects of your life. Here’s how to pull those ideas to the forefront:

1. Reflect on what’s important to you.

“Values” is just a label we use to contain the things that are important to us. Ask yourself: What do I care about the most in the world? Make a list with as many things as you can think of. Your list should reflect what is important and personal to you, not what others (your family, friends, peers) may expect from you.

Honesty is critical at this stage. Try to sum up your ideas in as few words as possible. (you’ll expand and further define your values later). Some examples may include: family, money, comfort, friends, career, time, freedom, optimism.

2. Review the list and pick your top three values.

You’re probably thinking “But they’re all important!” While they all might be desirable, some are certainly more important to you than others. Again, honesty is key. If you’re struggling to select three, you can choose two or four values instead. The number isn’t important — the intent here is to keep the list as short as possible.

3. Rank your values.

Once you have your top values, reflect on if they have equal meaning to you, or if you’re able to rank them. There is no right or wrong approach here. But your answer should tell you something about how important these different elements are in your life.

Remember: This isn’t a one-time exercise. It might take a couple of weeks or months to stabilize your top values. Take the time to reflect and revise. When I did this exercise myself, it took me almost a year to find and stabilize my values. Gradually, I realized that “happiness” and “fairness” are essential to me. Later, I added “freedom,” which was so engrained in me that I could not identify it as quickly as the others. Keep an eye out for values that may emerge or become important to you over time.

Step 2: Define your values.

Now that you know your values, it’s time to define what they really mean to you in your own words. While you can look for the dictionary definition of your values, the answer probably won’t be there. It’s important to come up with your own definition.

For example, with my value “freedom,” there are many ways to define it. Here is how I define it versus how one of my clients defines it:

• Freedom (my definition): Ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and however I want it. This applies at the macro level (e.g., travel) and micro level (e.g., mental freedom).

• Freedom (my client’s definition): I want to have independence in my actions and decision-making and not be micromanaged.

Same value, but two very different definitions.

At first, you may be tempted to write long paragraphs for each of your values to justify or explain them. But try to keep your definition as short as possible — you want to be able to easily remember your values and how you define them. Just one succinct sentence will do. A test you can use to see if you’re on the right track is to ask yourself: If somebody were to wake me in the middle of the night and ask me to define my values, could I answer?

As you work to define your values, don’t be discouraged by the broad nature of the words or let others influence your perspective on what they mean to you. When I declare that “happiness” is one of my values, sometimes people roll their eyes. “That’s an empty word,” they’ll say, or, “That’s too general.” But for me, this word has a crystal-clear definition: Happiness is the joy in the process of what you are doing.

Big words, but precise and personal definitions.

Step 3: Use your values.

You’ll know you have identified your values and truly defined them once you find yourself looking at the world around you through the framework of your values.

This is where you’ll really start to see the power of knowing your values. It simplifies decisions and actions. It can give you courage when you think you don’t have it. It can guide you and provide you with valuable insights.

Here are some examples of values in action:

• If one of your values is “fairness,” this can guide you when you need to give constructive feedback to a colleague or a direct report. It wouldn’t be fair to avoid confrontation when you know the feedback would be helpful for them to know. It’s fair to be honest with them and give them a chance to improve or remedy the given situation.

• If one of your values is “optimism,” you can better approach challenging situations with a glass-half-full attitude. Did you not get the job? That’s fine — you got to practice interviewing and make some new connections. Are you overwhelmed by a busy schedule? You’ll be OK — look at how much you’re learning from these new experiences.

• If one of your values is “family,” that can help you make decisions regarding your career or where you’d like to live. If you get offered a job that would allow you to move closer to your parents, you can feel excited in taking it over one based across the country. If you’re wondering if you should quit your job that has poor work-life balance, you can do so confidently knowing it would give you more time to spend with your loved ones.

At first, it might be challenging for you to connect your daily experiences to your values, especially as they evolve and solidify over time. One way to practice using your values is to reflect on a situation that’s frustrating you. Ask yourself: What is lurking behind my frustration? Is one of my values not being met? Another way you can practice is by reflecting on situations that bring you joy. Which of your values is being fulfilled by that activity?

Don’t expect to get clear on your values in one day. It will take time. Depending on your journey, your values might stay constant over time or might change based on new events and information. Check in with yourself on a yearly basis to make sure you’re still in touch with the things that are most important to you. And remember: This exercise will only help you if you’re 100% honest with yourself.

When will you know if you have deeply held values? When you’re unwilling to compromise on them.

Copyright 2023 Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation. Distributed by The New York Times Syndicate.

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