A white racist burned down a predominantly African-American church. The arsonist was convicted and sentenced to prison. When he was released from prison, he was invited to the rebuilt church. The members of the congregation stood in a line, each one expressing forgiveness to him for his actions. The man fell to his knees weeping, overcome by the congregation’s forgiveness. He was ashamed of his previous behavior but felt relief when the congregation forgave him.
After World War II, Peggy Covell discovered that Japanese soldiers had beheaded her missionary parents at their small mountain mission in the Philippines. Peggy wrestled with her initial hatred of the Japanese people, then overcame the hate with love and traveled to Japan to forgive the soldiers who had murdered her parents.(1)
Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison on Robin Island in South Africa. During that time, he was isolated in terrible conditions. After being released in 1990, he could have stayed angry at those who had imprisoned him, but he chose to accept what had happened and forgive them. By releasing that hurt and focusing on a brighter future, he was able to achieve true freedom for his nation.
One of the authors (AS) represented the defendant in a jury trial in the Los Angeles Superior Court where a prominent five-star hotel general manager was accused of sexual harassment. The female plaintiff’s lawyer asked for millions of dollars in damages and refused a smaller settlement.
The author/attorney investigated the case and concluded the general manager had indeed done what he was charged with. The author/attorney told the jury the truth, apologized on behalf of his client, asked the jury for forgiveness on behalf of his client, and argued that the plaintiff had asked for too much money.
After deliberating, the jury decided the plaintiff and her lawyer were greedy. They acquitted the hotel and the general manager of liability and damages. The take-home message: You will often be forgiven if you sincerely confess your sins and seek forgiveness.
A patient of the other author (NB) instituted a lawsuit against him that stretched out for 15 years. Ultimately, the jury deliberated for less than 15 minutes and unanimously found the author/physician not guilty. He was hurt and angry that the patient had generated a lawsuit for a frivolous claim; however, when he decided to forgive the patient and the plaintiff’s attorney, he felt a sense of relief.
Anyone who is familiar with Italian opera or Shakespeare’s plays knows the terrible price paid for grudges, vendettas, and revenge. A negative response to someone who has hurt you, deceived you, or caused you mental pain can take a toll on your ability to focus mentally as well as on your health, causing gastrointestinal distress, headache, depression, and even suppression of your immune system.
The 18th-century English poet Alexander Pope declared: “To err is human, to forgive divine.” But finding a way to forgive without compromising your principles is not always easy.
Defining Forgiveness
The word “forgiveness” can explain a complex concept that applies to diverse situations and their results. The three types of forgiveness are exoneration, forbearance, and release.
Exoneration has the closest connotation to what we usually think of when we say “forgiveness.” Exoneration is wiping the slate clean and restoring a relationship to the full state of innocence present before the harmful actions took place.
There are three common situations in which exoneration applies. The first occurs with the realization that the harmful act was a genuine accident for which no fault can be assigned. The second situation evolves when the offender is a child or someone else who, for whatever reason, didn’t understand the hurt they were inflicting and toward whom you have loving feelings. The third situation occurs when the person who hurt you is genuinely sorry, takes full responsibility for what they did, asks for forgiveness, and gives assurance that they will not knowingly repeat their harmful action.
In such situations, accepting the offender’s apology and offering them complete forgiveness or exoneration is essential. You’ll feel better, and so will the person who hurt you. In fact, failure to offer forgiveness in these circumstances may be harmful to your well-being and might even suggest something more wrong with you than with the person who caused you pain.
The second type of forgiveness is “forbearance.” Forbearance applies when the offender makes a partial apology or mingles their expression of sorrow with blame that you somehow caused them to misbehave. An apology is offered, but it’s not what you had hoped for and may not even be fully authentic.
While you should always reflect on whether there was a provocation on your part, even when you bear no responsibility, you should exercise forbearance if the relationship matters to you. By using forbearance, you can maintain ties to people who, while far from perfect, are still important to you. Stop dwelling on the offense; do away with grudges and fantasies of revenge but retain a degree of watchfulness. This is like “forgive but don’t forget” or “trust but verify.”
In some cases, after a sufficient period of good behavior, forbearance can give rise to exoneration and forgiveness. But what do you do when the person who hurt you doesn’t acknowledge that they’ve done anything wrong or gives an obviously insincere apology, making no reparations whatsoever? These are the cases of forgiveness that are the most challenging.
The third type of forgiveness is “release.” The release does not exonerate the offender, nor does it require forbearance. It doesn’t even demand a continued relationship. It does, however, ask that instead of continuing to define your life in terms of the hurt done, you release your feelings of guilt and rancor.
The release is critical. If you do not release the pain and anger and move past dwelling on old hurts and betrayals, you will allow the ones who hurt you to live rent-free in your mind. You will forever relive the persecution that the original incident started. Release liberates you from the tyranny of living in the traumatic past, even when the other forms of forgiveness, exoneration, and forbearance are impossible.
Benefits of Forgiveness
The authors, as a lawyer and a physician, hear from patients, clients, colleagues, and our staff when they are hurt by someone they trust. This naturally causes them to feel anger, frustration, and resentment. Offering forgiveness provides positive emotions, enhances energy, and allows us to make wise decisions and perform at our best.
Those who forgive often receive positive lessons from previous painful events. It is not unusual for those who practice forgiveness to reconnect with a parent, friend, or others they have not spoken to in years.
Forgiveness is not meant to condone others’ hurtful behavior. It is about developing compassion and accepting others’ imperfections. Blaming others never solves the problem or leads to contentment. We must free ourselves from playing the victim in the story of what we believe happened to us. We must realize that the other person’s behavior likely had nothing to do with us. Perhaps transgressors were consciously or unconsciously feeling some threat or danger which activated their survival instincts and inhibited them from doing the right thing.
The Bottom Line
Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human, which is why we cannot expect the people in our lives to always meet our expectations. They have their own limiting beliefs and personal struggles, which is why forgiveness is key to a successful practice and a healthier life.
Reference
Verstraete S. The Strange Love of Peggy Covell. Bulletin Inserts. https://bulletininserts.org/the-strange-love-of-peggy-covell/